Okay, what do I do to stop pirates?

Obviously a callhome to internet service. We are considering making some major aspects be dependent on a web service of some sort.

Memory offsets and cracking. If I like rand randomly to allocate empty memory on the heap, would this throw off the crackers? I hacked some memory shit for EverQuest back in the dizzay but don't really know much about this.

Registry on windows, etc., I know theres ways to identify the computer. That's easily spoofed with hex editor, but if I jumble up the strings in the program would that help? I need to know that + real ideas. I want the serials of their sound cards.

Any other ideas?