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  • How to define generic super type for static factory method?

    - by Esko
    If this has already been asked, please link and close this one. I'm currently prototyping a design for a simplified API of a certain another API that's a lot more complex (and potentially dangerous) to use. Considering the related somewhat complex object creation I decided to use static factory methods to simplify the API and I currently have the following which works as expected: public class Glue<T> { private List<Type<T>> types; private Glue() { types = new ArrayList<Type<T>>(); } private static class Type<T> { private T value; /* some other properties, omitted for simplicity */ public Type(T value) { this.value = value; } } public static <T> Glue<T> glueFactory(String name, T first, T second) { Glue<T> g = new Glue<T>(); Type<T> firstType = new Glue.Type<T>(first); Type<T> secondType = new Glue.Type<T>(second); g.types.add(firstType); g.types.add(secondType); /* omitted complex stuff */ return g; } } As said, this works as intended. When the API user (=another developer) types Glue<Horse> strongGlue = Glue.glueFactory("2HP", new Horse(), new Horse()); he gets exactly what he wanted. What I'm missing is that how do I enforce that Horse - or whatever is put into the factory method - always implements both Serializable and Comparable? Simply adding them to factory method's signature using <T extends Comparable<T> & Serializable> doesn't necessarily enforce this rule in all cases, only when this simplified API is used. That's why I'd like to add them to the class' definition and then modify the factory method accordingly. PS: No horses (and definitely no ponies!) were harmed in writing of this question.

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  • SQL: Find the max record per group

    - by user319088
    I have one table, which has three fields and data. Name , Top , Total cat , 1 , 10 dog , 2 , 7 cat , 3 , 20 horse , 4 , 4 cat , 5 , 10 dog , 6 , 9 I want to select the record which has highest value of Total for each Name, so my result should be like this: Name , Top , Total cat , 3 , 20 horse , 4 , 4 Dog , 6 , 9 I tried group by name order by total, but it give top most record of group by result. Can anyone guide me, please?

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  • XML - python prints extra lines

    - by horse
    `from xml import xpath from xml.dom import minidom xmldata = minidom.parse('model.xml').documentElement for maks in xpath.Evaluate('/cacti/results/maks/text()', xmldata): print maks.nodeValue ` and I get result: 85603399.14 398673062.66 95785523.81 But I needed to be: 85603399.14 NO SPACE 398673062.66 NO SPACE 95785523.81 Can somebody help me, i new at programing :( ?

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  • PostgreSQL - select only when specific multiple apperance in column

    - by Horse SMith
    I'm using PostgreSQL. I have a table with 3 fields person, recipe and ingredient person = creator of the recipe recipe = the recipe ingredient = one of the ingredients in the recipe I want to create a query which results in every person who whenever has added carrot to a recipe, the person must also have added salt to the same recipe. More than one person can have created the recipe, in which case the person who added the ingredient will be credited for adding the ingredient. Sometimes the ingredient is used more than once, even by the same person. If this the table: person1, rec1, carrot person1, rec1, salt person1, rec1, salt person1, rec2, salt person1, rec2, pepper person2, rec1, carrot person2, rec1, salt person2, rec2, carrot person2, rec2, pepper person3, rec1, sugar person3, rec1, carrot Then I want this result: person1 Because this person is the only one who whenever has added carrot also have added salt.

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  • Writing a PHP web crawler using cron

    - by Horse
    Hi all I have written myself a web crawler using simplehtmldom, and have got the crawl process working quite nicely. It crawls the start page, adds all links into a database table, sets a session pointer, and meta refreshes the page to carry onto the next page. That keeps going until it runs out of links That works fine however obviously the crawl time for larger websites is pretty tedious. I wanted to be able to speed things up a bit though, and possibly make it a cron job. Any ideas on making it as quick and efficient as possible other than setting the memory limit / execution time higher?

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  • 4 table query / join. getting duplicate rows

    - by Horse
    So I have written a query that will grab an order (this is for an ecommerce type site), and from that order id it will get all order items (ecom_order_items), print options (c_print_options) and images (images). The eoi_p_id is currently a foreign key from the images table. This works fine and the query is: SELECT eoi_parentid, eoi_p_id, eoi_po_id, eoi_quantity, i_id, i_parentid, po_name, po_price FROM ecom_order_items, images, c_print_options WHERE eoi_parentid = '1' AND i_id = eoi_p_id AND po_id = eoi_po_id; The above would grab all the stuff I need for order #1 Now to complicate things I added an extra table (ecom_products), which needs to act in a similar way to the images table. The eoi_p_id can also point at a foreign key in this table too. I have added an extra field 'eoi_type' which will either have the value 'image', or 'product'. Now items in the order could be made up of a mix of items from images or ecom_products. Whatever I try it either ends up with too many records, wont actually output any with eoi_type = 'product', and just generally wont work. Any ideas on how to achieve what I am after? Can provide SQL samples if needed? SELECT eoi_id, eoi_parentid, eoi_p_id, eoi_po_id, eoi_po_id_2, eoi_quantity, eoi_type, i_id, i_parentid, po_name, po_price, po_id, ep_id FROM ecom_order_items, images, c_print_options, ecom_products WHERE eoi_parentid = '9' AND i_id = eoi_p_id AND po_id = eoi_po_id The above outputs duplicate rows and doesnt work as expected. Am I going about this the wrong way? Should I have seperate foreign key fields for the eoi_p_id depending it its an image or a product? Should I be using JOINs? Here is a mysql explain of the tables in question ecom_products +-------------+--------------+------+-----+---------+----------------+ | Field | Type | Null | Key | Default | Extra | +-------------+--------------+------+-----+---------+----------------+ | ep_id | int(8) | NO | PRI | NULL | auto_increment | | ep_title | varchar(255) | NO | | NULL | | | ep_link | text | NO | | NULL | | | ep_desc | text | NO | | NULL | | | ep_imgdrop | text | NO | | NULL | | | ep_price | decimal(6,2) | NO | | NULL | | | ep_category | varchar(255) | NO | | NULL | | | ep_hide | tinyint(1) | NO | | 0 | | | ep_featured | tinyint(1) | NO | | 0 | | +-------------+--------------+------+-----+---------+----------------+ ecom_order_items +--------------+-------------+------+-----+---------+----------------+ | Field | Type | Null | Key | Default | Extra | +--------------+-------------+------+-----+---------+----------------+ | eoi_id | int(8) | NO | PRI | NULL | auto_increment | | eoi_parentid | int(8) | NO | | NULL | | | eoi_type | varchar(32) | NO | | NULL | | | eoi_p_id | int(8) | NO | | NULL | | | eoi_po_id | int(8) | NO | | NULL | | | eoi_quantity | int(4) | NO | | NULL | | +--------------+-------------+------+-----+---------+----------------+ c_print_options +------------+--------------+------+-----+---------+----------------+ | Field | Type | Null | Key | Default | Extra | +------------+--------------+------+-----+---------+----------------+ | po_id | int(8) | NO | PRI | NULL | auto_increment | | po_name | varchar(255) | NO | | NULL | | | po_price | decimal(6,2) | NO | | NULL | | +------------+--------------+------+-----+---------+----------------+ images +--------------+--------------+------+-----+---------+----------------+ | Field | Type | Null | Key | Default | Extra | +--------------+--------------+------+-----+---------+----------------+ | i_id | int(8) | NO | PRI | NULL | auto_increment | | i_filename | varchar(255) | NO | | NULL | | | i_data | longtext | NO | | NULL | | | i_parentid | int(8) | NO | | NULL | | +--------------+--------------+------+-----+---------+----------------+

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  • Compressibility Example

    - by user285726
    From my algorithms textbook: The annual county horse race is bringing in three thoroughbreds who have never competed against one another. Excited, you study their past 200 races and summarize these as prob- ability distributions over four outcomes: first (“first place”), second, third, and other. Outcome Aurora Whirlwind Phantasm 0.15 0.30 0.20 first 0.10 0.05 0.30 second 0.70 0.25 0.30 third 0.05 0.40 0.20 other Which horse is the most predictable? One quantitative approach to this question is to look at compressibility. Write down the history of each horse as a string of 200 values (first, second, third, other). The total number of bits needed to encode these track- record strings can then be computed using Huffman’s algorithm. This works out to 290 bits for Aurora, 380 for Whirlwind, and 420 for Phantasm (check it!). Aurora has the shortest encoding and is therefore in a strong sense the most predictable. How did they get 420 for Phantasm? I keep getting 400 bytes, as so: Combine first, other = 0.4, combine second, third = 0.6. End up with 2 bits encoding each position. Is there something I've misunderstood about the Huffman encoding algorithm? Textbook available here: http://www.cs.berkeley.edu/~vazirani/algorithms.html (page 156).

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  • Reading strings and integers from .txt file and printing output as strings only

    - by screename71
    Hello, I'm new to C++, and I'm trying to write a short C++ program that reads lines of text from a file, with each line containing one integer key and one alphanumeric string value (no embedded whitespace). The number of lines is not known in advance, (i.e., keep reading lines until end of file is reached). The program needs to use the 'std::map' data structure to store integers and strings read from input (and to associate integers with strings). The program then needs to output string values (but not integer values) to standard output, 1 per line, sorted by integer key values (smallest to largest). So, for example, suppose I have a text file called "data.txt" which contains the following three lines: 10 dog -50 horse 0 cat -12 zebra 14 walrus The output should then be: horse zebra cat dog walrus I've pasted below the progress I've made so far on my C++ program: #include <fstream> #include <iostream> #include <map> using namespace std; using std::map; int main () { string name; signed int value; ifstream myfile ("data.txt"); while (! myfile.eof() ) { getline(myfile,name,'\n'); myfile >> value >> name; cout << name << endl; } return 0; myfile.close(); } Unfortunately, this produces the following incorrect output: horse cat zebra walrus If anyone has any tips, hints, suggestions, etc. on changes and revisions I need to make to the program to get it to work as needed, can you please let me know? Thanks!

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  • Handling very large lists of objects without paging?

    - by user246114
    Hi, I have a class which can contain many small elements in a list. Looks like: public class Farm { private ArrayList<Horse> mHorses; } just wondering what will happen if the mHorses array grew to something crazy like 15,000 elements. I'm assuming that trying to write and read this from the datastore would be crazy, because I'd get killed on the serialization process. It's important that I can get the entire array in one shot without paging, and each Horse element may only have two string properties in it, so they are pretty lightweight: public class Horse { private String mId; private String mName; } I don't need these horses indexed at all. Does it sound reasonable to just store the mHorse array as a raw Text field, and force my clients to do the deserialization? Something like: public class Farm { private Text mHorsesSerialized; } then whenever the client receives a Farm instance, it has to take the raw string of horses, and split it in order to reinstantiate the list, something like: // GWT client perhaps Farm farm = rpcCall.getMyFarm(); String horsesSerialized = farm.getHorses(); String[] horseBlocks = horsesSerialized.split(","); for (int i = 0; i < horseBlocks.length; i++) { // .. continue deserializing the individual objects ... } yeah... so hopefully it would be quick to read a Farm instance from the datastore, and the serialization penalty is paid by the client, Thanks

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  • Listing all objects that share a common variable in Javascript

    - by ntgCleaner
    I'm not exactly sure how to ask this because I am just learning OOP in Javascript, but here it goes: I am trying to be able to make a call (eventually be able to sort) for all objects with the same variable. Here's an example below: function animal(name, numLegs, option2, option3){ this.name = name; this.numLegs = numLegs; this.option2 = option2; this.option3 = option3; } var human = new animal(Human, 2, example1, example2); var horse = new animal(Horse, 4, example1, example2); var dog = new animal(Dog, 4, example1, example2); Using this example, I would like to be able to do a console.log() and show all animal NAMES that have 4 legs. (Should only show Horse and Dog, of course...) I eventually want to be able to make a drop-down list or a filtered search list with this information. I would do this with php and mySQL but I'm doing this for the sake of learning OOP in javascript. I only ask here because I don't exactly know what to ask. Thank you!

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  • After virus, Chrome & Internet Explorer won't connect to the internet, but Firefox works fine.

    - by Zack
    I cannot connect to the internet with Chrome or Internet Explorer. Firefox works fine. It seems it happens when I was infected by a "Trojan Horse Generic 17.BWIK", "Trojan Horse SHeur.UHL" and "Fake_Antispyware.FAH". I have removed the threats using AVG anti-virus security. I got Firefox working, but Chrome and IE still cannot connect. I do not want to loose Chrome History so re-setting would be my last option and uninstall and install will be out of the question. Is there a way around this? I am using XP Pro on a desktop and DSL connection.

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  • PLS HLP Chrome & Internet Explorer won't connect after infected Fire Fox works.

    - by Zack
    HI Guys Please Help I am pretty New Here. I'm having problems. Cannot connect with chrome or Internet Explorer. Fire Fox works fine. It seems it happens when I was infected by a "Trojan Horse Generic 17.BWIK" and a "Trojan Horse SHeur.UHL", when I reply to a post for a Thread I posted. I have removed the treat and got Fire Fox working, "so i think", but not G'Chrome or IE still cannot connect. I do not want to loose Chrome History so re-setting would be my last option and uninstall and install will be out of the question. Is there a way around this? I am using XP Pro on a desktop and DSL connection. Be aware from "Fake_Antispyware.FAH", which I had on my computer, I just found out while doing this, according to my AVG anti-virus security. Please can you direct me for a cure. Thank you in advance for your sincere willingness contributions.

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  • Not All “Viruses” Are Viruses: 10 Malware Terms Explained

    - by Chris Hoffman
    Most people seem to call every type of malware a “virus”, but that isn’t technically accurate. You’ve probably heard of many more terms beyond virus: malware, worm, Trojan, rootkit, keylogger, spyware, and more. But what do all these terms mean? These terms aren’t just used by geeks. They make their way into even mainstream news stories about the latest web security problems and tech scares. Understanding them will help you understand the dangers your\ hear about. Malware The word “malware” is short for “malicious software.” Many people use the word “virus” to indicate any type of harmful software, but a virus is actually just a specific type of malware. The word “malware” encompasses all harmful software, including all the ones listed below. Virus Let’s start with viruses. A virus is a type of malware that copies itself by infecting other files,  just as viruses in the real world infect biological cells and use those biological cells to reproduce copies of themselves. A virus can do many different things — watch in the background and steal your passwords, display advertisements, or just crash your computer — but the key thing that makes it a virus is how it spreads. When you run a virus, it will infect programs on your computer. When you run the program on another computer, the virus will infect programs on that computer, and so on. For example, a virus might infect program files on a USB stick. When the programs on that USB stick are run on another computer, the virus runs on the other computer and infects more program files. The virus will continue to spread in this way. Worm A worm is similar to a virus, but it spreads a different way. Rather than infecting files and relying on human activity to move those files around and run them on different systems, a worm spreads over computer networks on its own accord. For example, the Blaster and Sasser worms spread very quickly in the days of Windows XP because Windows XP did not come properly secured and exposed system services to the Internet. The worm accessed these system services over the Internet, exploited a vulnerability, and infected the computer. The worm then used the new infected computer to continue replicating itself. Such worms are less common now that Windows is properly firewalled by default, but worms can also spread in other ways — for example, by mass-emailing themselves to every email address in an effected user’s address book. Like a virus, a worm can do any number of other harmful things once it infects a computer. The key thing that makes it a worm is simply how it spreads copies of itself. Trojan (or Trojan Horse) A Trojan horse, or Trojan, is a type of malware that disguises itself as a legitimate file. When you download and run the program, the Trojan horse will run in the background, allowing third-parties to access your computer. Trojans can do this for any number of reasons — to monitor activity on your computer, to join your computer to a botnet. Trojans may also be used to open the floodgates and download many other types of malware onto your computer. The key thing that makes this type of malware a Trojan is how it arrives. It pretends to be a useful program and, when run, it hides in the background and gives malicious people access to your computer. It isn’t obsessed with copying itself into other files or spreading over the network, as viruses and worms are. For example, a piece of pirated software on an unscrupulous website may actually contain a Trojan. Spyware Spyware is a type of malicious software that spies on you without your knowledge. It collects a variety of different types of data, depending on the piece of spyware. Different types of malware can function as spyware — there may be malicious spyware included in Trojans that spies on your keystrokes to steal financial data, for example. More “legitimate” spyware may be bundled along with free software and simply monitor your web browsing habits, uploading this data to advertising servers so the software’s creator can make money from selling their knowledge of your activities. Adware Adware often comes along with spyware. It’s any type of software that displays advertising on your computer. Programs that display advertisements inside the program itself aren’t generally classified as malware. The kind of “adware” that’s particularly malicious is the kind that abuses its access to your system to display ads when it shouldn’t. For example, a piece of harmful adware may cause pop-up advertisements to appear on your computer when you’re not doing anything else. Or, adware may inject additional advertising into other web pages as you browse the web. Adware is often combined with spyware — a piece of malware may monitor your browsing habits and use them to serve you more targeted ads. Adware is more “socially acceptable” than other types of malware on Windows and you may see adware bundled with legitimate programs. For example, some people consider the Ask Toolbar included with Oracle’s Java software adware. Keylogger A keylogger is a type of malware that runs in the background, recording every key stroke you make. These keystrokes can include usernames, passwords, credit card numbers, and other sensitive data. The keylogger then, most likely, uploads these keystrokes to a malicious server, where it can be analyzed and people can pick out the useful passwords and credit card numbers. Other types of malware can act as keyloggers. A virus, worm, or Trojan may function as a keylogger, for example. Keyloggers may also be installed for monitoring purposes by businesses or even jealous spouses. Botnet, Bot A botnet is a large network of computers that are under the botnet creator’s control. Each computer functions as a “bot” because it’s infected with a specific piece of malware. Once the bot software infects the computer, ir will connect to some sort of control server and wait for instructions from the botnet’s creator. For example, a botnet may be used to initiate a DDoS (distributed denial of service) attack. Every computer in the botnet will be told to bombard a specific website or server with requests at once, and such millions or requests can cause a server to become unresponsive or crash. Botnet creators may sell access to their botnets, allowing other malicious individuals to use large botnets to do their dirty work. Rootkit A rootkit is a type of malware designed to burrow deep into your computer, avoiding detection by security programs and users. For example, a rootkit might load before most of Windows, burying itself deep into the system and modifying system functions so that security programs can’t detect it. A rootkit might hide itself completely, preventing itself from showing up in the Windows task manager. The key thing that makes a type of malware a rootkit is that it’s stealthy and focused on hiding itself once it arrives. Ransomware Ransomware is a fairly new type of malware. It holds your computer or files hostage and demands a ransom payment. Some ransomware may simply pop up a box asking for money before you can continue using your computer. Such prompts are easily defeated with antivirus software. More harmful malware like CryptoLocker literally encrypts your files and demands a payment before you can access them. Such types of malware are dangerous, especially if you don’t have backups. Most malware these days is produced for profit, and ransomware is a good example of that. Ransomware doesn’t want to crash your computer and delete your files just to cause you trouble. It wants to take something hostage and get a quick payment from you. So why is it called “antivirus software,” anyway? Well, most people continue to consider the word “virus” synonymous with malware as a whole. Antivirus software doesn’t just protect against viruses, but against all types of malware. It may be more accurately referred to as “antimalware” or “security” software. Image Credit: Marcelo Alves on Flickr, Tama Leaver on Flickr, Szilard Mihaly on Flickr     

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  • Pass a hidden jqGrid value when editing on ASP.Net MVC

    - by taylonr
    I have a jqGrid in an ASP.Net MVC. The grid is defined as: $("#list").jqGrid({ url: '<%= Url.Action("History", "Farrier", new { id = ViewData["horseId"]}) %>', editurl: '/Farrier/Add', datatype: 'json', mtype: 'GET', colNames: ['horseId', 'date', 'notes'], colModel: [ { name: 'horseId', index: 'horseId', width: 250, align: 'left', editable:false, editrules: {edithidden: true}, hidden: true }, { name: 'date', index: 'farrierDate', width: 250, align: 'left', editable:true }, { name: 'notes', index: 'farrierNotes', width: 100, align: 'left', editable: true } ], pager: jQuery('#pager'), rowNum: 5, rowList: [5, 10, 20, 50], sortname: 'farrierDate', sortorder: "DESC", viewrecords: true }); What I want to be able to do, add a row to the grid, where the horseId is either a) not displayed or b) greyed out. But is passed to the controller when saving. The way it's set up is this grid will only have 1 horse id at a time (it will exist on a horse's property page.) The only time I've gotten anything to work is when I made it editable, but then that opens it up for the user to modify the id, which isn't a good idea. So is there some way I can set this value before submitting the data? it does exist as a variable on this page, if that helps any (and I've checked that it isn't null). Thanks

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  • garbage collector Issue

    - by Eslam
    this question is like my previous one Given: 3. interface Animal { void makeNoise(); } 4. class Horse implements Animal { 5. Long weight = 1200L; 6. public void makeNoise() { System.out.println("whinny"); } 7. } 8. public class Icelandic extends Horse { 9. public void makeNoise() { System.out.println("vinny"); } 10. public static void main(String[] args) { 11. Icelandic i1 = new Icelandic(); 12. Icelandic i2 = new Icelandic(); 13. Icelandic i3 = new Icelandic(); 14. i3 = i1; i1 = i2; i2 = null; i3 = i1; 15. } 16. } When line 14 is reached, how many objects are eligible for the garbage collector? A. 0 B. 1 C. 2 D. 3 E. 4 F. 6 i choosed A but the right answer is E, but i don't know Why?

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  • Strange Access Denied warning when running the simplest C++ program.

    - by DaveJohnston
    I am just starting to learn C++ (coming from a Java background) and I have come across something that I can't explain. I am working through the C++ Primer book and doing the exercises. Every time I get to a new exercise I create a new .cpp file and set it up with the main method (and any includes I think I will need) e.g.: #include <list> #include <vector> int main(int argc, char **args) { } and just to make sure I go to the command prompt and compile and run: g++ whatever.cpp a.exe Normally this works just fine and I start working on the exercise, but I just did it and got a strange error. It compiles fine, but when I run it it says Access Denied and AVG pops up telling me that a threat has been detected 'Trojan Horse Generic 17.CKZT'. I tried compiling again using the Microsoft Compiler (cl.exe) and it runs fines. So I went back, and added: #include <iostream> compiled using g++ and ran. This time it worked fine. So can anyone tell me why AVG would report an empty main method as a trojan horse but if the iostream header is included it doesn't?

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  • AWS EC2 & WordPress / WooCommerce, Product pages dragging

    - by Stephen Harman
    http://ec2-54-243-161-225.compute-1.amazonaws.com/shop/product-category/dark-horse/ If you click on any of the products on this page you'll notice it either takes a minute or more to load or it doesn't load at all. I have about 11,000 products in the database each with about 3 images attached to them, the database is about 108mbs in size. Any suggestions on fixing this speed issue? Thank you in advance!

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  • How to find a folder on Mac OS X 10.5?

    - by user246114
    I'm on Mac OS X 10.5 (Leopard). What's the best way to find a folder for which I'm not sure of the full name? For example, I know the folder name I want is like: "farm-animal-type" But the full name may be something like: "farm-animal-type-horse" On Windows, I would just use the find tool through Windows Explorer.

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  • O&rsquo;Reilly Half-price Deal to 05:00 PT 14/August/2014 - Malware Forensics Field Guide for Windows Systems

    - by TATWORTH
    Originally posted on: http://geekswithblogs.net/TATWORTH/archive/2014/08/09/orsquoreilly-half-price-deal-to-0500-pt-14august2014---malware-forensics.aspxUntil 05:00 PT 14/August/2014, at http://shop.oreilly.com/product/9781597494724.do?code=WKFRNS, O’Reilly are offering half-price on the E-book Malware Forensics Field Guide for Windows Systems. “Dissecting the dark side of the Internet with its infectious worms, botnets, rootkits, and Trojan horse programs (known as malware) is a treacherous condition for any forensic investigator or analyst. Written by information security experts with real-world investigative experience, Malware Forensics Field Guide for Windows Systems is a "tool" with checklists for specific tasks, case studies of difficult situations, and expert analyst tips.”

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  • I Didn&rsquo;t Get You Anything&hellip;

    - by Bob Rhubart
    Nearly every day this blog features a  list posts and articles written by members of the OTN architect community. But with Christmas just days away, I thought a break in that routine was in order. After all, if the holidays aren’t excuse enough for an off-topic post, then the terrorists have won. Rather than buy gifts for everyone -- which, given the readership of this blog and my budget could amount to a cash outlay of upwards of $15.00 – I thought I’d share a bit of holiday humor. I wrote the following essay back in the mid-90s, for a “print” publication that used “paper” as a content delivery system.  That was then. I’m older now, my kids are older, but my feelings toward the holidays haven’t changed… It’s New, It’s Improved, It’s Christmas! The holidays are a time of rituals. Some of these, like the shopping, the music, the decorations, and the food, are comforting in their predictability. Other rituals, like the shopping, the  music, the decorations, and the food, can leave you curled into the fetal position in some dark corner, whimpering. How you react to these various rituals depends a lot on your general disposition and credit card balance. I, for one, love Christmas. But there is one Christmas ritual that really tangles my tinsel: the seasonal editorializing about how our modern celebration of the holidays pales in comparison to that of Christmas past. It's not that the old notions of how to celebrate the holidays aren't all cozy and romantic--you can't watch marathon broadcasts of "It's A Wonderful White Christmas Carol On Thirty-Fourth Street Story" without a nostalgic teardrop or two falling onto your plate of Christmas nachos. It's just that the loudest cheerleaders for "old-fashioned" holiday celebrations overlook the fact that way-back-when those people didn't have the option of doing it any other way. Dashing through the snow in a one-horse open sleigh? No thanks. When Christmas morning rolls around, I'm going to be mighty grateful that the family is going to hop into a nice warm Toyota for the ride over to grandma's place. I figure a horse-drawn sleigh is big fun for maybe fifteen minutes. After that you’re going to want Old Dobbin to haul ass back to someplace warm where the egg nog is spiked and the family can gather in the flickering glow of a giant TV and contemplate the true meaning of football. Chestnuts roasting on an open fire? Sorry, no fireplace. We've got a furnace for heat, and stuffing nuts in there voids the warranty. Any of the roasting we do these days is in the microwave, and I'm pretty sure that if you put chestnuts in the microwave they would become little yuletide hand grenades. Although, if you've got a snoot full of Yule grog, watching chestnuts explode in your microwave might be a real holiday hoot. Some people may see microwave ovens as a symptom of creeping non-traditional holiday-ism. But I'll bet you that if there were microwave ovens around in Charles Dickens' day, the Cratchits wouldn't have had to entertain an uncharacteristically giddy Scrooge for six or seven hours while the goose cooked. Holiday entertaining is, in fact, the one area that even the most severe critic of modern practices would have to admit has not changed since Tim was Tiny. A good holiday celebration, then as now, involves lots of food, free-flowing drink, and a gathering of friends and family, some of whom you are about as happy to see as a subpoena. Just as the Cratchit's Christmas was spent with a man who, for all they knew, had suffered some kind of head trauma, so the modern holiday gathering includes relatives or acquaintances who, because they watch too many talk shows, and/or have poor personal hygiene, and/or fail to maintain scheduled medication, you would normally avoid like a plate of frosted botulism. But in the season of good will towards men, you smile warmly at the mystery uncle wandering around half-crocked with a clump of mistletoe dangling from the bill of his N.R.A. cap. Dickens' story wouldn't have become the holiday classic it has if, having spotted on their doorstep an insanely grinning, raw poultry-bearing, fresh-off-a-rough-night Scrooge, the Cratchits had pulled their shades and pretended not to be home. Which is probably what I would have done. Instead, knowing full well his reputation as a career grouch, they welcomed him into their home, and we have a touching story that teaches a valuable lesson about how the Christmas spirit can get the boss to pump up the payroll. Despite what the critics might say, our modern Christmas isn't all that different from those of long ago. Sure, the technology has changed, but that just means a bigger, brighter, louder Christmas, with lasers and holograms and stuff. It's our modern celebration of a season that even the least spiritual among us recognizes as a time of hope that the nutcases of the world will wake up and realize that peace on earth is a win/win proposition for everybody. If Christmas has changed, it's for the better. We should continue making Christmas bigger and louder and shinier until everybody gets it.  *** Happy Holidays, everyone!   del.icio.us Tags: holiday,humor Technorati Tags: holiday,humor

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