Re-posting Bruce Tierney's original post - albeit a day late:
I reckon this is Oracle's most interesting launch this year. Enjoy!
The World’s First Human Scale Body
Surface (HSBS) Designed to Toughen Spineless Wimps
April 1, 2012
Building on the success of Oracle Exalogic, Oracle Exadata,
and Oracle Exalytics, Oracle today announced the general availability of Oracle
Exaskeleton, toughening up spineless wimps across the globe through the
introduction of extreme scalability over the human body leveraging a revolutionary
new technology called Human Scale Body Surface (HSBS).
First Customer Ship (FCS) was received by the little known
and mostly unsuccessful superhero Awkwardman. After applying Oracle Exaskeleton with extreme scale, he has
since rebranded himself as Aquaman. Said Aquaman, “I used to feel so helpless in my skin…now I feel
like…well…a highly scaled Engineered System thanks to Oracle!”
Thousand of meek and mild individuals eagerly lined up
outside Oracle Corporation’s Redwood Shores office to purchase the new Oracle
Exaskeleton, with the hope of finally gaining the spine they never had. Unfortunately for the individuals, a
bully was spotted allegedly kicking the sand covering the beaches of Redwood
Shores into the still spineless Exaskeleton hopefuls.
Supporting Quotes
“Industry analysts are inquiring if Oracle Exaskeleton is a
radical departure from Oracle’s traditional enterprise focus into new markets”,
said Oracle representative Sabrina Twich, “Oracle has extensive expertise in
unified backbone solutions for application infrastructures…this is simply a new
port to the human body combining our Business Intelligence (BI) and RDBC (Remote
Direct Brain Cell) technologies.”
“With this release of Oracle Exaskeleton, Oracle has
redefined scalability. Software
and hardware vendors had it all wrong” said the Director of Oracle Exaskeleton,
“Scalability for hardware is like…um…you know…so scale-ful. No, wait…can I say that again? I didn’t get that right…Scalability is
hardware-on-demand with public and private…hybrid clouds, no…<long pause>…Scalability
for… nevermind, I don’t want to be in this stupid press release anyway”
Releases
An upcoming Oracle Exaskeleton service pack release will
include a new datasheet with an extensive library of three-letter acronyms
(TLAs) as well as the introduction of more four-letter acronyms (FLAs) since
technologies vendors have used up almost all of the 17,576 TLA permutations
(TLAPs).
About Oracle
Oracle engineers hardware and software to work together in
the cloud and in your data center. It would be an amazing coincidence if any of this is true in some secret
Oracle lab, but I doubt it.
Trademarks
Really…you’re still reading this? Cool!
Aquaman - First Customer Ship (FCS) - Oracle Exaskeleton
